Things started to unravel pretty quickly once I reached Phoenix. I was headed out the door of the airport to catch an Uber to the hospital when our case manager called and told me not to. She said they had not heard anything from birth mom since she went into the hospital. She also had birth mom's case manager on the phone and I had Brian on the phone, too. Birth mom's case manager mentioned that Arizona's Division of Child Safety (DCS) would get called in once the baby was born because if an expectant mother has not had proper prenatal care, it's an automatic call. She said that as long as birth mom continued with her adoption plan, that wouldn't affect us at all and might even work in our favor. She also mentioned that birth mom had been living in a homeless shelter, which would also trigger a visit from DCS. We were shocked by that revelation. Our case manager had told us two weeks ago that birth mom had been in a shelter for a week because she and her roommate had an issue with the rent, but that she was now living with a friend. So we were shocked when we were told that birth mom was still living in a shelter. That seemed like a pretty big red flag and we were very unhappy that we hadn't been given the full story.
At the end of the phone call, both case managers assured us that they would continue to work on getting in touch with birth mom. They told me to find a hotel and check in, but to keep my phone on because they would call immediately with any updates. They said to expect to receive a phone call in the middle of the night and come rushing to the hospital for the birth.
So that's what we did. Brian and I found a hotel close to the hospital and I hopped in an Uber. I told the front desk that I didn't know how long we would be there because of our unique situation, which I explained. The front desk guy and his manager were able to discount the room rate and keep us in our room on a night-by-night basis. That was such a relief! And they were all super supportive. When they would see me in the lobby they would always ask how things were going. That was really comforting to me, especially with Brian and Daniel being so far away still.
I spent a very restless night waiting for a phone call. In the morning, when I still hadn't heard anything and Brian and Daniel were about to head down, I finally texted our case manager and asked if she had any updates. She seemed surprised that I hadn't heard anything and she said she'd call the hospital and get back with me. She called pretty quickly with the update that the hospital said that they didn't have anyone by birth mom's name there. Our case manager said that could mean that birth mom was at a different hospital, or that she had been discharged, or that she had voided the release of information (ROI) she had signed for the agency. Our case manager said she wouldn't know for sure until she could talk to the social worker, who didn't get into the hospital for a few more hours. So once again we were told to sit tight.
Brian and Daniel headed down to meet us and I went down to the lobby to extend our stay for another night. While I was doing that, our friend, Julie, and her son, Jack, arrived at the hotel!! They brought snack food and drinks and a whole lot of love. Julie and Jack took me out to brunch and hung out with me for a while to help pass the time until Brian could get there, which was so wonderful. We are both extraordinarily grateful for good friends.
When our case manager finally got back to me, she said that the social worker had confirmed that birth mom had voided the ROI. The social worker said that she would talk to birth mom once the baby was born, but that there was nothing to be done in the meantime.
Brian and Daniel arrived around dinner time and it was so nice to be together again! We took Daniel swimming and got dinner and then headed back to the hotel. Everything is kind of a blur from there. There was a lot of waiting around. We didn't want to push birth mom or the hospital so we tried to be patient. Thankfully we had great support from Julie and her family and from the hotel. But every day was a "sit tight" day with very little information. Our case manager finally had some information on Friday. The social worker had been to see birth mom. Which meant that the baby must have been born. The social worker said that birth mom said that the birth process was much harder than she had anticipated and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go through with her adoption plan. Our case manager stressed that this wasn't the end yet, that there was still a chance. DCS would be in touch with birth mom, either that Friday or the following Monday, and a lot would hang on how that went.
At the end of the day, our case manager told us that the social worker had called and said that she had just seen DCS heading back to talk to birth mom. But she was already over hours and she couldn't stay to get us any information, so we weren't going to find out what had happened until Monday, which was when she anticipated birth mom being discharged. Our case manager told us there was still a chance that we would go home with the baby, but that if DCS took physical custody of the baby there was very little chance of him going home with us.
We spent that weekend feeling very tense. We were ready for answers; even if it meant we weren't going home with a baby, we just wanted resolution. Being held in limbo for that long under that kind of anxiety and pressure is exhausting. We tried to do some fun things with Daniel - Legoland Discovery Center, SeaLife Aquarium, chocolate factory tour, and lots and lots of swimming. And I think we succeeded in making some good memories for him.
Monday finally rolled around and our case manager spoke with the social worker. That's when we found out that DCS had taken custody of the baby the night before. Our case manager said that there was still a chance that birth mom would sign off on her adoption plan rather than let the baby go into foster care, but it was a pretty slim chance. We were heartbroken. Because either way this went, it wasn't good. Even if we did end up adopting this baby boy, it would come out of a place of desperation instead of a place of love like Daniel's adoption had been. And if we went home without the baby... we would have an empty car seat to bring home, a nursery that was prepped and ready that would stay empty, and an empty savings account. So yes, we were heartbroken. We decided to head home on Wednesday. But now we had to tell Daniel that we were most likely going home without a baby.
Even in just relating this story to you, this is the hardest part. We told Daniel that we were going home the next day but that we would not be bringing a brother home. He was sad and had some questions about why birth mom changed her mind but seemed to take in stride. Until he didn't. We were watching a movie with him, The Good Dinosaur, and there's a part when the dinosaur main character says goodbye to the little boy who had become his best friend and helps him into another human family. Suddenly Daniel was sobbing. *Sobbing*. He climbed into my lap and his little body just shook as he cried. He said, "We have so much work to do! We still have to find Emily and what about Henry??" We all just sat in a pile on that bed and cried and cried. I didn't know how many pieces a heart could really break into until that moment.
Remember how we had prepared and packed a bunch of baby things for our time in the hotel after placement? Well, the plan had been for Brian and Daniel to drive home while I flew home with the baby and the car seat and stroller. But since there was no baby, I wasn't going to be flying home with those items and they still needed to come back to Utah with us. So the car was still full. Full enough that I couldn't safely drive back with them. So Brian and Daniel left early that Wednesday morning to start the drive home and I stayed a few more hours in the hotel until Julie came to take me to the airport for my flight home. That was tough on all of us. And when I landed in the airport, where I had left just a week ago full of excitement and hope, I had a hard time keeping it together. Luckily I had my Diana picking me up from the airport and driving me home, so I didn't have to wait alone for Brian and Daniel too long. It was good to be together and home again, even if it did seem really surreal.
Grief is a cycle, you know? And in the beginning of the loss or trauma that caused the grief, the cycles are tight circles and you are constantly in that grief. Over time the circles get bigger and you are able to spend less time in the grief, but it always comes back around. It never goes away completely, but the circles get bigger and it gets easier to manage.
But this grief was (is) a little different. When we would meet someone who didn't know what we had been through and we would tell them we just lost a baby, we both felt the need to minimize that loss and quickly followed it up with "but it was just an adoption." JUST AN ADOPTION. It's hard to grieve for a child that you never even saw, in a situation you knew full well could happen. It's hard to feel like we're entitled to feel the sadness we are feeling because it was JUST A FAILED ADOPTION.
So it took a little while for us to feel like we could really process the grief. Grief from the emotional loss, grief from the physical loss, grief from the financial loss, grief from the time lost. And we are still processing, although our circles are much bigger now. And that's due, in large part, to the love and support we have felt through all of this. From people that don't minimize what we have gone through and have helped *us* to stop minimizing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment